For many years, timeouts were touted by child experts as the best discipline method. Except maybe that isn’t true. Over the years research has proven that there is a more effective way to discipline. I recently read an article on Aha!Parenting.com titled “What’s Wrong with Timeouts?” Dr. Laura Markham, Utah Foster Care’s Symposium speaker, is the editor of Aha!Parenting.com. According to the article, timeout teaches the wrong lessons and tends to worsen kid’s behavior. And here’s why.
First, timeouts tend to make kids see themselves as “bad.” This lowers self-esteem and creates bad behavior; people who feel bad about themselves tend to behave badly.
Second, timeouts don’t teach a child to regulate their emotions. The parent-child relationship provides the best environment to learn this skill. When we send him to timeout, he has missed an opportunity to learn to manage those emotions.
Third, timeouts work through fear as a symbolic abandonment. When our children act out, that is when they need us the most. And we don’t want to trigger feelings of abandonment, especially in children with trauma histories.
Fourth, timeouts send the message that you only want to engage in a relationship with your child when they are pleasant and happy.
Fifth, timeouts fuel power struggles. When a child is in timeout she isn’t using that time to think about what she did wrong. Rather, she is thinking about how mean you are.
Finally, timeouts keep us from partnering with our child to find solutions. We are less likely to see things from our child’s perspective, which weakens the parent-child bond. And that bond is the reason children behave.
The next time you think a timeout is in order, try a “time in.” During “time in” a child who is acting out is kindly invited to sit near a caregiver to express their feelings and cool down.
During the time in, parents empathize with the child’s feelings. Often just quiet connection is all that is needed. This, of course, doesn’t mean that you must let your child continue with a behavior that is inappropriate.
So, as you can see, time-outs ARE out.
