Ep 70: Still Standing

In this episode, we discuss:

• What it is like to grow up in foster care and experience multiple adoptions
• The impact of sibling separation and staying connected
• Reconnecting with biological siblings after years apart
• Being a permanent child in a fostering household
• Resilience, healing, and allowing yourself to be loved
• Advice for youth currently in foster care
• Why maintaining relationships matters long after placements end

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Learn more about foster care in Utah: Utah Foster Care

Transcript;

Speaker: Join us for one of the most important aspects of foster care, former foster youth. Today we talk with Carlos who has gone through multiple homes and multiple adoption, and now he’s thriving.

Amy: Welcome to Fostering Conversations. I’m your host, Amy Smith. Today we have a former foster youth, Carlos Rios-Redd. Thanks for being with us today, Carlos.

Carlos: thank you for the invitation. Glad to be here.

Amy: Yeah, we’re so excited to chat with you. I think this is one of the most important sides of foster care to discuss is the lived experience. So would you just introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about your story?

Carlos: My name’s Carlos Rios-Redd shred. I grew up in foster care through the system about at a year old, and then lived through, 10 homes within 10 years and been adopted three different times.

And, I guess left the system through adoption at the age of 14, but really never left because we always had kids coming into our home as well. So I was able to see both sides of the spectrum on, on the foster care system.

Amy: Yeah. So you’ve been, had the lived experience and also had then youth come into your home as the permanent sibling, so that’s awesome.

So tell us a little bit about, I think it’s very unusual and honestly unfortunate that you were adopted three different times. Are you able to tell us a little bit about that?

Carlos: Sure. Yeah. So the first adoption was coming from California to Utah to Blanding where our family brought us over. And we were with them for about two years and there was a lot of abuse that happened within the home.

And one day they decided that they didn’t want us anymore, my brother and I, and left us at the DCFS office. Our caseworker came in and said, Hey, we gotta find you a home by the end of the day for you guys to move into. We’re gonna go gather your things because these parents don’t want you at the home anymore. So we’re gonna try to figure things out.

Amy: adopted at that

Yeah.

Carlos: Legally adopted. It was about two years with the so we made it from.

it was about 2005 when we moved over to Blanding here in Utah.

Amy: And then Okay.

Carlos: it was

Amy: 2007.

So then what did that look like? Do you remember being at that? Do, you were young, but do you remember being at that office or do you

Carlos: remember I do.

Yeah. So specifically that day, the office, they have a like a child’s room where they have the TV and the toys or whatever, and our caseworker just said, Hey, go in here, we’re gonna talk with your parents.

And in my head, it was one of just general meetings that they have after adoption just to make sure things are going good. And then the next thing you know, we get told we are moving to a different house.

Amy: Holy.

Carlos: cow.

Amy: then you guys go to another foster home?

Carlos: Yep. We go through another foster home and then another foster home. And then we landed in a place where we were there for about two and a half years.

And that was probably the first time ever felt that a family loved my brother and I. And we got really close with them.

And then unfortunately, the judge said, you’re taking too much time with these kids and we’re gonna remove them and put ’em in a different home.

Amy: Oh my goodness. Okay. So that one wasn’t the foster family’s

Carlos: No, that was the judge’s decision.

Amy: Wow,

Carlos: Yeah, and to my understanding is that it was just because the parents wanted to do a guardianship instead of a full adoption and the judge didn’t like that idea and so they removed us from the home.

Amy: Oh my goodness. Okay, so then you’ve reentered foster care again.

Carlos: So then we moved to a different home, which brought us up to Brigham City from the south east corner. So totally opposite ends of the state.

Amy: Yeah.

Carlos: Yes. We were only there for six months and then things weren’t going well there.

Amy: They did?

Carlos: No, it was very quick on how they did it and came and picked us up and brought us back down to Blanding after the six months.

Amy: Holy cow. And is that where your permanent home?

Carlos: No, that, No.

Amy: oh my gosh.

Carlos: And so then there was another home after that, which was with a previous family that we, or he had been with.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: So we were familiar with them. And then came our second adoptive family. Which I, at the time was really good friends with one of their kids.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: Okay. and they’re good people. So this isn’t anything to say they’re bad ’cause they’re not. Almost everyone that I’ve ever lived with, I am on very good terms with.

Amy: That’s amazing.

Carlos: So we went to their home and we’re with them. how old was I? I was probably about, I think I was 10.

And we were with them for maybe a year to a year and a half, somewhere around there. And then they had the idea to reconnect us with our family in California.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: And so we went down there for Christmas, I don’t recall the year, but for Christmas, and spent Christmas with them and was able to see my sister and my mom, and reconnect that way.

And then they said, we would like for you guys to spend the rest of the school year there and we’ll come back in May, June, whenever the school year ends and bring you back home. Just so that way we could just have that relationship with your biological family.

Amy: Yeah.

Carlos: And then things would’ve fallen out with that, with kind of some financial support or just in general just talking with them.

Amy: Yeah.

Carlos: And it’s sparked kind of an investigation or a curiosity with my brother and he got into my sister’s phone and saw messages that patients have seen.

Yeah, that caused a lot of legal trouble for that family.

Amy: For the adoptive family?

Carlos: Yes. For the adoptive family. And they were getting charged with child neglect and child abandonment, because there was really no intention for them to come back and get us.

Amy: Sure.

Carlos: Which again, I haven’t been able to see the fully disclosed like the documents of the court which I’ve been trying to get, but the GRAMA request isn’t.

Amy: I’m sure.

Carlos: They’re being hard with that.

But just speaking with several people was I don’t think their intentions were bad. I think the intentions was like, let’s get these kids back with their family if they’d like.

But with the charges going on and them potentially facing jail time, my now family said these are good people. Don’t charge them. We’ll take the kids. Drop the charges.

And that’s what they did.

They dropped the charges and everything with that adoptive family and my brother, they came and picked us up June 4th of 2012, 6 in the morning.

I remember I was staying with my sister. Six in the morning they picked us up and we drove all the way back in a day to Blanding and moved in with the Reds now, my adoptive family.

And then after a little bit my brother returned to a previous family that we had lived with and was adopted by them. And so his last name is Black and my last name is Redd.

Amy: That worked out.

Carlos: it’s funny. I like to tell that. So a lot of stuff happened within all those families that we lived in. And again, like I said, I don’t have no hard feelings against any of the families that I’ve ever lived with.

Amy: Yeah.

Carlos: Which is really incredible because you really shouldn’t have been bounced around that much.

Amy: Yeah. But unfortunately it is your life experience.

Carlos: Yeah. I mean honestly, looking back, I would not give it up because I think it’s made me to who I am today.

Amy: That’s amazing. That is an incredible perspective.

So tell us a little bit about what it was like being with your biological family. How did that, like how was reconnecting with them initially when you were 10 or so years old?

Carlos: It was weird to start off with.

Amy: Because really they’re strangers, right?

Carlos: Yeah. The last time I saw them was when I was five.

I’m the baby of seven. Out of biological siblings I have half siblings and a couple full siblings. And I never really got reconnected with the two older siblings very much. I don’t, and I still don’t really know them very well.

But the others I’m very close with and I never really look at the ones that have a different parent than I as half. They’re all like, these are full siblings because I know I’ve known them now and been able to reconnect with them so well that I don’t see it that way.

My sister, it was a little bit awkward at first. Trying to figure out like, I know you’re my sister, but I don’t really know you.

After a little bit within that six months we were able to get to a point where it’s like, yeah this is really good. Even with her boyfriend, now husband, I’ve known him since almost just as long as I’ve known her now.

So it’s really good. We function as a good family I think and we try to see each other when we can and talk on almost a daily basis.

Amy: So were all of the biological siblings removed, or just you and your brother?

Carlos: So all of us were.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: Except for the older two.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: Some of them came to Utah and some did not.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: Yeah. So my brother and I came to Utah. The other siblings were either put into a group home because they were older.

Amy: Okay.

Carlos: My two older sisters were put into group homes.

And then the one home in California that we stayed in, that was the sister that I was just talking about and my brother.

Then when my brother and I were adopted they only took me and him to Utah. They tried to bring the other siblings over to see if that would work, but it didn’t end up working.

Amy: Yeah. What I’m really amazed by is that you guys have all reconnected. That’s a big family and to reconnect is really impressive.

So who would you credit that to? Is it you guys now as adults? Is it these adoptive families? Like how did you guys reconnect?

Carlos: I think the second adoptive family that sent us back probably gets some of that credit.

Because without them doing what they did, it may not have ever happened until later on. And you never know how reactions would’ve been later on if it was a different family that would’ve reconnected us.

And it’s funny, speaking of reconnection, this last Thanksgiving was the first time in over 20 years that all of us—except for the older two—had been together under the same roof.

Amy: That is wild.

Carlos: And so Thanksgiving was the first time.

Amy: And how was it?

Carlos: It was great. Everyone was smiling, having a good time. You could just feel the love in the air. It was great.

Amy: Yeah. And is everybody healthy and functioning and thriving?

Carlos: For the most part, yeah. I think some obviously struggle more than others, but for the most part everyone seems to be doing really good.

Amy: That is so incredible to me.

I have adopted kids and I know my kids have half siblings. We’ve never had that opportunity to meet those kids or have that relationship. I think that is really unusual and quite a gift that you’ve been able to have that.

Carlos: Yeah, it’s awesome. I talk to almost all of them all the time. My brother Gio actually lives in Provo, so he lives about 10 minutes from me.

Amy: That is so cool.

So you and your brother were originally together for almost all of those moves?

Carlos: Yeah, pretty much everything.

Amy: And then the final move got split.

Carlos: Yeah.

Amy: What was that experience like for you?

Carlos: Although we were in the same town, I remember the court day pretty good. It felt like my heart was torn out of my chest.

Amy: Yeah.

Carlos: I was sitting in the back row of the courtroom, bawling my eyes out because it felt like I just lost my brother forever.

I think it was just a 13- or 14-year-old kid being dramatic, but it was pretty hard.

Fortunately we were in the same town. I could drive to his house and it would take me 10 minutes.

The families did things together throughout the week or months. Then eventually he moved and I moved, and now here we are again living about 10 minutes apart.

My wife gets mad sometimes because I want to do things with my brother more than sometimes with her.

Amy: That’s amazing.

Carlos: I love it. He’s one of my best friends because he’s experienced that with me. He was a protector.

Amy: What would you tell people—maybe kids that are in foster care or families that are fostering—if siblings have to be split up?

Carlos: That’s a hard question. I don’t know if I necessarily have advice, but I would tell them it’s going to be okay.

As long as they do their part to keep in contact and show that they want to still be part of each other’s lives, it’s going to be okay.

If they get removed I don’t think they need to cut off all communication. The advice would be to continue the relationship.

Amy: I love that. I think that is a huge part of foster care.

Your story is a really good example of why it’s so important. You have a huge network of biological, adoptive, and family connections because people kept the relationships open for you.

Okay, so tell us a little bit about what you’re doing now as an adult. You’re married—what does your life look like now?

Carlos: I currently work for Highway Patrol as a canine handler.

The dog that I have is a Belgian Malinois, four years old, and he helps with detection of narcotics and hopefully at some point for apprehension if needed.

I’ve been doing that for almost four years and it’s been a blast.

I’ve definitely experienced some things that even a 20-year veteran hasn’t experienced.

I had an accident when I was about a year and a half on the job where I took a car head-on going the wrong way.

After I came back to work I got into the canine program. I’ve always been interested in interdiction and narcotics investigations.

By God’s grace I was able to get into it.

I’ve been recognized by the NAACP, by Governor Cox, received a Purple Heart for that accident, and also a Medal of Honor recipient from Orem Fire—the first time it was given to someone outside of their organization.

Amy: Wow.

Do you feel like your life experiences growing up influenced your decision to go into this line of work?

Carlos: A hundred percent.

I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I believe the way I grew up influenced what I do now. It gives me a better perspective on how to do the job and be more compassionate when needed.

But also knowing when there needs to be a boundary.

Growing up in foster care and the experiences I had made me grow up fast.

Amy: For sure.

Carlos: I’ve been told a lot that I have the maturity of someone older than 25. I don’t always feel that way, but maybe it’s true.

Amy: You’ve experienced so much.

How do you think you are so resilient? You have experienced things that most people haven’t and things that no one should experience.

Carlos: I have a couple reasons.

The first one is probably my relationship with God. I’m not saying everyone has to believe in God, but I believe something guides people.

For me it’s my relationship with God and knowing He guided my life to where I needed to be at certain times.

The second reason would be my family—my mom and my dad. They’re good examples of resilient people who have gone through a lot.

Amy: That’s amazing.

Tell us what it was like being a permanent sibling while your family continued to foster kids.

Carlos: Sometimes there was jealousy because when you’re the foster kid you get a lot of attention. Then suddenly there are other kids in the house and your parents are focusing on them.

But it also helped me understand the struggles those kids were going through.

I could connect with them easier than someone who had never experienced foster care.

Sometimes I even sided with the foster kids because I understood exactly what they were going through.

Amy: That’s a really interesting perspective.

Carlos: There was a specific instance where one of the foster kids got into a physical altercation with one of my brothers and I stepped in and defended the kid in care.

But everything smoothed out and we’re all good.

Amy: What was it like when kids would reunify with their families?

Carlos: I was happy for them.

I already had a relationship with my family, so I wanted them to have that too. I wished them well.

Amy: Have you kept in touch with any of them?

Carlos: Yes and no. My parents have more than I have.

Amy: What would you tell youth that are currently in foster care?

Carlos: A mantra I keep for myself is that through pain and suffering there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What you’re going through now can shape you into a better person if you face it head on. One day you’ll be able to help someone else.

It can make you more understanding, empathetic, and less judgmental.

Just keep going. There will be better days ahead.

Amy: Did therapy help you?

Carlos: I hated therapy. I refused to go.

I felt like many therapists were just there to be there.

What helped me most was allowing myself to feel the love of the parents and siblings around me.

Sometimes kids don’t get that luxury, but there’s usually someone in the family you can connect with.

I would encourage kids to find that connection.

For example, one family we lived with for two and a half years still considers us family.

When the mom passed away we were put on her headstone as one of her kids.

Amy: Wow.

Carlos: We still go to family functions with them.

So I would encourage kids to find one or two people they can build a real connection with. A lot of healing can come from that.

Amy: I love that.

Kids do have to allow themselves to be loved, which is really hard when you’ve been hurt so many times.

Carlos: Yeah, I still struggle with that.

Amy: Thank you so much for joining us today and sharing your story. I know our listeners will really appreciate it.

Carlos: Of course. Feel free to give my information to anyone. I’m always willing to talk or try to help someone out.

Amy: That’s amazing. Thank you so much, Carlos.

If you want to learn more about foster care, head over to www.utahfostercare.org.